The Neuroscience of Grief
I just returned home from a funeral today. Unfortunately, funerals have been coming around faster. And, these funerals aren’t for parents and grandparents. These funerals are for friends, cousins and former co-workers. I have hit the age where I am checking the obituaries to see who I know. Grief is not a stranger to me. My father died at a young age. I was the oldest of six kids and I was seventeen when he died. My youngest sister was two. My mother was our tower of strength and I don’t know how she did it. But back then it was thought that the sooner you can get your regular life back – the better. I was very close to my dad. And I was old enough to see the toll it was taking on my mom as she went to the hospital everyday for six months. She was anxious to regain some semblance of normalcy again. So we jumped back into our lives and pretended like we were actually living. As a result, I experienced delayed grief.
In my thirties I knew something still wasn’t right. It seemed impossible to be happy. I sought out therapy and my psychologist pulled this issue out almost immediately. I had never fully grieved for my dad and the loss of the life we had before he died. So I had to go through his death all over again. I asked my sisters and brother what they actually did the day of the funeral – I didn’t even know what they had gone through. I had to relive the day, forgive my dad for dying on us and come to terms with life without him. Although it was one of the most difficult experiences I have had, I did find some peace with my life.
I could feel the grief in the room this morning. I understood how completely devastated her husband was. There were no words to express our emotions. He will have some very difficult days, weeks and possibly months ahead. But here is what I have learned about how we process grief – how the brain processes grief. The depth of grief is different for everyone – it depends on our relationship. There is no defined amount of time to process grief. However, we need to be mindful of how the person is actually progressing. We have this tendency to give the person who has lost someone time to themselves. Unfortunately, this is counter productive to the healing process. We are hard-wired to connect with others. We need their attention and comfort to assist in healing. It is crucial that we give a hug or hold their hand. The touch of someone who is trusted and familiar can ease sadness. Neurotransmitters like oxytocin and the opioids released in the moments of tenderness can lighten our grief. It can be a slippery slope to depression if others are not there to offer encouragement.
Death doesn’t pull our friends and loved ones from us. They return in dreams and through stories, in pictures and on recordings. I experienced my dad coming to see me in my dreams. That went on for many years actually. I would cry when I realized that it was only a dream but I was comforted in his presence. There have been studies to learn how our brain responds and why we experience these emotions when recalling our loved ones. UCLA researcher Mary-Francis O’Connor describes grief that just doesn’t go away as ‘complicated grief’. This grief persists for six months or longer and interferes with every day life. “Every day you’re experiencing yearning for the deceased, looking for them in a crowd, or expecting them to come home.”
O’Connor and her colleagues used fMRI images to look for the neurological basis for complicated grief. Ordinary grief is apparent on a brain scan. They showed a bereaved daughter a picture of her mother, and areas of the brain that process emotional pain were activated. Women with complicated grief showed that pattern but also showed activity in the nucleus accumbens, a brain region associated with pleasure, rewards and addiction. These women would pour over picture albums and talk about the person all the time as if she were still here. These women were unconsciously prolonging their grief because memories of the person they missed gave them pleasure – as well as pain. (Newsweek, Jul 26, 2008)
Grief is a natural part of life. We all experience it. The intensity of our grief informs us of the depth of love we have in our hearts. We need to be mindful of our experience and not put any judgment on it. Dr. Elisha Goldstein has given us 7 tips to help during grief:
If you are mourning for a recent loss make sure to make time for feeling the emotions that arise, whether they are anger, sadness or pain. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go. You may even create a little ritual where you spend time with the picture or object connected to the person who has passed.
Friends sometimes get uncomfortable around grief and if they try and make you feel better in the moment, thank them for this, and let them know it is normal and natural to feel how you feel.
Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break from feeling when it’s becoming overwhelming, but make sure to let your grief know that you will come back. Make a time to revisit it or otherwise it will occupy you all day.
Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.
(Elisha Goldstein, PhD, Feb. 2009)
You need to be the center of your love and care at this time. Be good to yourself and know that ‘this too shall pass’.
References:
Adler,J. (Jul 26, 2008). Inside the grieving brain. Retrieved July 21, 2016 from http://www.newsweek.com/id/149006
Goldstein, E. (Feb. 2009). Feeling means being alive: 7 tips to help. Retrieved July 21, 2016 from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2009/02/feeling-grief-means-being-alive-7-tips-to-help
Stepp,G. (Winter 2007). Give sorrow more than words. Retrieved July 21, 2016 from http://www.vision.org/visionmedia/grief-and-loss/neuroscience/2166.aspx