The Neuroscience of Grief - A Prologue
This has been a very difficult month for me. My brother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of mesothelioma lung cancer about 18 months ago. Throughout that time, he has been fierce in his desire to be a survivor and beat this cancer. Outside of time off for the surgeries, he went to the fitness center everyday before he went to work. That is difficult for most of us to do on a regular basis, but he was determined not to let the pain or the cancer treatments keep him from living his life. Less than a month ago he he was still working out and going to work. But the cancer had no regard for his drive to survive. On Tuesday of this week he lost his battle. He fought all the way to the end because that’s who he was. In death he taught me how to live.
As we get older we sustain more losses. The older you get resilience becomes an important part of living. How do we recover from losing those we love?
I wrote a blog about the Neuroscience of Grief a couple of years ago. I pulled it up from the archives to see how it read. There was my personal story right at the beginning. I decided to leave it as is because it does explain what is happening when you grieve. I am adding this prologue because I am not looking back right now. I am experiencing profound grief over the death of my brother. No longer an outsider looking back or looking in at grief – I am the person grieving.
For the past month I have watched my brother decline. He was a very dynamic man – brilliant, athletic, kind and many other superlatives. I watched as all of those superlatives were stripped away by the ravages of cancer. My grieving started last month. The pain would have been unbearable if it hadn’t been for family. We were all experiencing this loss of him before our eyes. We were there for him and each other. We talked, hugged, comforted and loved each other unconditionally throughout this month. ‘Spontaneous crying’ was the norm and there was always someone around to give you a hug and comfort you. There was so much love in that house and around his bed when he passed.
The intense emotion of grief overtakes all brain function. Over the past few days I have started forgiving myself for all of the things I have let slide. Working five minutes on this business was beyond my realm of capability. When I realized the struggle I was putting myself through, I let go of everything else but being with my brother. That was the best decision I could make.
My grief has actually lifted a bit. There are still bouts of ‘spontaneous crying’ but there are a few smiles too. As I read my other blog I realized that I have done a number of productive things to help me through this pain. You tend to forget how deep the pain is when you haven’t experienced it for awhile. We all have a lot of grief yet to process. But now we know since we have each other – we will get through this. I found my seven tips to help during grief are a template for moving forward.
As we get older we will sustain more losses. It is good to know that we have the ability to experience the grief, take good care of ourselves and move forward. This is the circle of life.